WARNING: I say fuck a lot.
 |
Welcome to yet another legacy. A Sims 3 legacy because I cannot be asked to do one with The Sims 4. This is Gilderoy Snobbish, yes Gilderoy like the Harry Potter character. He's not a wizard though, he's a fairy and a very uptight, snotty fairy at that. As the name Snobbish suggests, I will only be allowing sims with the Snob trait to be heir/heiresses. I'm going to try to make my sims have the worst personalities I can possibly dream up. I never teach toddlers to do basic skills, so that's one random trait they'll get. I have to keep popping out kids until I get a sim with the Snob trait. He's a Snob, Childish, has Commitment Issues, is a Diva, and is Mean Spirited. Sounds fun. Goody two-shoe sims bore me after a while. He wants to become a Blog Artist, which involves maxing out the Social Networking skill and having a five-star blog which is harder than it sounds.
And now that awful introductory stuff is done--
Lorey: "HEY."
Oh, goddamnit. I added a dog. Quiet, Piggy, and Destructive I think.
Lorey: "Why have I gotta be in a legacy with this pink fairy fuck?"
Oh, we're already dropping f-bombs?
Lorey: "God, look at him. It's like he's cosplaying as a fucking flamingo."
I did not Xtreme start because...I didn't feel like it. It's a modest house with a lot of empty space.
The most expensive room is the kitchen because I get really tired of empty Juicy-Juices and piles of trash. I can't really add a lot of pizzazz without the cash-cash. Sorry.
Gilderoy quickly thinks of ways to snobbishly obtain wealth.
"I shall become famous off diet products that work for only as long as the fat people use them and then their metabolism will fail once more and they will become absurdly obese again. I shall rake in the millions and I will be skinnier than all the lardasses."
God, if I was a sim, I would be Satirical and Bitchy.
And Gilderoy's first free will routing decision is to get stuck in the door. This is not a good omen.
"How do I door again?"
"Why doesn't this table match the walls?"
Why do kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
"...what?"
Sorry, it's a Imgurian thing.
And Lorey decides to destroy things. I guess I'm not surprised, but STOP IT.
"Hello, I'm your friendly neighborhood mascot and--"
My sentiments could not be clearer.
"YOU. YOU the blight of every new game, marching on sims property like you own the place! I can't pay for college, so why do you bother placing this goddamn bucket on my lawn! I feel like this a slap in the face of EA to show just how annoying mail from overly-expensive universities is! It's just like high school! You get visited by richie rich representatives that tell you how great their schools are and how fucking RICH they are! I can't AFFORD. YOUR. POMPOUS. ASS. CONDESCENSION."
Yes, I'm an angry person, what gave it away?
"How dare you accuse me of being rich? I'm in a FUCKING LLAMA SUIT. Take your bucket of useless shit, I'm so DONE WITH THIS JOB."
And then we beat her up. For reasons.
I'm not bitter. *breathes fire*
So after that debacle, we travel to the local library. Evidently, that's the local prostitute hang out.
Miss Cleavage: "Hey, I am an independent woman that don't need no man--"
I don't care whose chain you're pulling, you're probably married anyway.
I got him a job in the Arch Design job. I normally don't mess around with Ambitions jobs because they're too involved, but he wanted it and it seemed to fit. I feel like fucking up people's houses. If there was ever a reason to make a penis wallpaper, it's now.
Here Gilderoy is, dutifully reading a Social Networking book. I'll try to get his lifetime, but it will take a lot of finagling and swearing.
Lorey: "I am the guardian of the food."
That's the worst movie title ever.
"Shut up, humanoid."
I might be enjoying this too much.
QUIT RUINING THE FURNITURE, WE ARE BROKE
"Dog, don't care"
I think it's a excellent feat of sims that can carry a oven-heated plate with bare hands.
"I'm a fairy, genius. Magic, it works."
Sadly, that is not the case in my world. I have to use these things called "potholders".
"Madness."
Well, it's either that or third degree burns.
This job is STILL glitched. Would you like a few concord jets as well? A statue of yourself made of black diamonds?
I think this is an acceptable bathroom sculpture.
Papergirl: "Who's the fruit?"
Your potential father-in-law.
Papergirl: "...fuck that. I'm moving."
"Overall, I think you did an okay job."
Gilderoy: "...how long do I have to smile before I can declare her a nemesis?"
Hey, Roy, she didn't hate it.
WOOOOOOOOOAH
IT'S A TRIPLE RAINBOW
...
Too old of a meme?
Oh, don't start that shit now. Literally.
Lorey: "Dog still don't care."
I thought cats were the hateful ones.
"I'm so unamused."
Well, I'm not your entertainer.
"Maybe you could queue a fucking activity for me."
Oh, I'll queue one for you. One involving numerous rugs and fire.
Well I had my first OH SHIT moment. I nearly got Lorey taken away because I wasn't paying attention to her social need.
"Find shiny bright things that I can sell so the omniscient talky lady will build me a mansion."
I can't always fulfill Lorey's social needs right away, so we got a new puppy. His name is Noodle.
"BARK."
"BARK. What the hell is this fucking thing?"
And we have a new gnome. I will name gnomes after supreme egotists. This one is Kanye West.
"Yo, Imma let you finish, but Lassie had the best bark of all time!"
Roy, this is not work.
"My fun is low!"
That is so not a valid reason to miss work.
HEY. Just because my sim is Snobby does NOT mean I have to cater to YOUR snobbish sim. You just wait until you hire me again. You will RUE THE DAY you gave me a bad review.
Why can't dogs snuggle up with sims? That would have been so cute.
"Guess which other ways I'm a fairy in."
Whoah whoooooahhhh it's Mr. Steal Yo Man.
Dude is married and found out he's bisexual. Yes, Roy here is a man-whore.
Well, we were invited to a party but this game and it's infinite glitches got us stuck outside in the rain for the whole duration. I don't even think the sim throwing the party was even home.
"How am I going to find some man meat to beat?"
Kindly stop putting those images in my head.
Well, we do have one guy.
Dude: "Hey, thanks for inviting me to your place. So, do you want to discuss the remodeling in your kitchen, or?"
Gilderoy: "...dude, I sent out you a Woohooty text. What you think I want?"
Dude: "Well, I-I'm a married man. If my wife ever found out about us, she'd...cut my thing off, if you catch my drift."
Gilderoy: "I guess she won't have to know. We'll call this...a business meeting."
Dude: "But you're a home designer..."
Gilderoy: "I'm also a contractor. Want to see my drill?"
And so they went under the covers and discussed drilling techniques.
Ahem.
Gilderoy: "Feeling slutty?"
Dude: "...little bit."
So Gilderoy made him some post-coital pancakes.
"Thanks for the sex. Now fuck off."
Dude: "I just broke my entire marriage of trust and commitment for a man that looks like a flamingo."
Well, here's a consolation prize.
GODDAMNIT
Why do burglars invade my lot when I DON'T HAVE AN ALARM
IT'S LIKE THEY KNOW
This bitch stole our stove.
Gilderoy: "NOOO WHAT WILL I MAKE EGGS ON NOW"
Why don't you try your tiny little--
NOW THIS LITTLE SHIT
AHHHHH
Okay, nearly had a massive bitch fit there. I thought I lost all my text and pictures from one click. Ctrl Z is your friend. Anyway, I moved stuff around and bought counters and a dining table.
We in the bihnazz now.
OMG a totally innocuous zombie attack!
"NOOOO, DON'T MESS UP MY PERM"
What? Noodle is evolving!?
CONGRATULATIONS! Your NOODLE became ADULT NOODLE!
Also, Kanye West is having a bad life.
"...where's my mothafucking clique?"
So the male population has dwindled down to oldies. Not that it matters too much since, you know. Males don't usually get pregnant without my friend Nrass Pollinate. Fairies have increased lifetimes anyway, I might wait until he's well up the career ladder before I have him settle down.
"This flamingo does NOT settle down, bb."
You call me that again and you will be a bucket of chicken-fried flamingo.
He didn't really appreciate the Heat of the Moment kiss. And he hates our service award. Our CHEWED UP service award, mind you.
"I'm not getting ass tonight so I'll just freeze to death in the rain."
Forgot you were dramatic. Go to bed, you glitterfuck.
Well, we got invited to a costume party. Of course, Gilderoy went as his favorite thing.
"I for one am hoping for a sausage fest. *wink*"
UGH quit filling my mind with disgusting images!
*crickets*
Then he danced alone. By himself.
So sad.
Weeny had a party but nobody came.
"Speaking of--"
DON'T YOU DARE.
We got an evil gnome in the mail. I named it Hitler.
"I CALL UPON SATAN TO BLIGHT THE J--"
*KICK*
Get off the dining table.
"MEIN MEIN MEIN"
The fall quickly swept into winter, snow piling onto the roofs, winds blistering any naked skin, and ice freezing icicles as sharp as knives. Sims across Hidden Springs cuddled in their houses with mugs of hot chocolate and begin to feel the signs of Snowflake Day approaching.
Noodle Snobbish spent most of his days running in circles. Some sims speculate that he was a bit retarded.
Gilderoy Snobbish received a bad review from some old bitch and his omnipresent creator made a note to get sweet revenge.
Kim Kardashian and Kayne West's marriage is suffering.
"Yo bitch, huge your huge ass booty to clean me off!"
"But I haven't finished undermining the lives of Armenian children to add to my wealth!"
Noodle: "I are dog. I are do dog stuff"
FLUMP
Noodle: "...dog are hurt."
Meanwhile, Lorey enjoys a more sedentary life.
ON THE CHEWED UP COUCH
"Bitches gotta chew."
"Hi, I'd like five days off for no good reason!"
Heh. No good reason. That's a good one.
*starts the Rocky theme*
MONTAGE OF SKILLING GO
(shitty paintings)
GET OFF THE BED, YOU SMELLY CANINES
Gilderoy: "This is too much work."
Shut up.
Upgraded the bathroom and bedroom. Also bought a new refrigerator.
Kim Kardashian's enjoying television.
"Hey, this isn't Teen Mom! How am I supposed to take tips from irresponsible, barely pubescent whining whores now?"
MissingNo: "OM NOM NOM"
Wrong legacy.
Gilderoy: "Kill...me..."
Not yet. SKILL! *whipcrack*
OH SHIT
Lorey's already become an elder. I forgot to set the dog's ages up. I always make sure I have those age bars maxed out. Not cheating, I play my own way.
That's the most hipster zombie I've ever seen.
"Would you like some vegan sausage? I made it from my own excrement."
Uh.
Oh, hi lightning mod, how's it going?
"I could be out sexing up the sexy men, but NOOO I'm painting portraits of DOGS."
Thought it was going to suck, but it turned out to be abstract.
Andrew: "Well. I'm back here. I must hate myself that much."
Andrew: "Hey, wait, I'll swap bodily fluids, dude, but no touchy!"
I then moved Andrew up and make him break up with his wife through text,.
Chelsea don't care
Aw.
Now, we mean business!
Andrew: "Wow, I hate myself a lot less with these karats!"
Gilderoy: "That's...the spirit?"
Andrew: "Okay, the diamonds are wearing off now."
Gilderoy: "Like you have a choice."
"Damn faggots. I'm freezing here!"
Then don't stand around our house creepily? He's a paparazzo. Gilderoy's a three-star celebrity because he knows some famous chick.
Well then!
Glderoy: "Hey, don't touch the food until after the ceremony!"
"I do want I want!"
I now present to you, Mr. and Mr. Gilderoy Snobbish.
`
Andrew: "I'm feigning happiness. I've been kidnapped and forcibly married."
Am I going to have to get you microchipped?
Then everyone scarpered because it's 39 degrees outside. Oops.
Andrew: "Cheese and rice, how many friggin people did we invite?"
Gilderoy gets a lot a friends from blogging, so a lot.
Can I never have any photogenic shots of sims dancing?!?
Andrew: "Dear diary, all of the doors and windows are locked. I am now a slave. Send help."
Gilderoy: "Time to consummate the marriage..."
Andrew: "*gulp*"
"I'M A DANCING QUEEEEN"
Go home.
We got another gnome. I named him Voldemort.
"See what I've become? See what I must do to--"
Overused joke is overused!
Andrew is Unlucky, which means he's going to break things.
"YES! REVEEEENGE"
Ugh.
Lorey: "You ain't sleepin' here, punk."
Andrew: "Come on, I need a few hours to brood over my next escape plan."
Voldemort: "If only I had made a horcrux a tile slab."
Gilderoy: "This is NOT what my fairy powers should be for! I use it to make ugly people like me."
Like booze? That's illegal.
"Anything's legal if you're sneaky enough."
O.o
Mailman: "Hey doggie! =D"
Gilderoy: "GET THE FUCK OUT THE WAY SO I CAN PAY THE OVERDUE BILLS"
Asshat.
Asshat: "Time to swipe some stuff! *evil laughter*"
*grinding teeth*
He stole the easel and the DOG'S BALL. WHAT ASSHOLE STILL A PET'S BALL?
"Kim Kardashian watches you masturbate."
That's just terrifying.
"WHOOOOO FAGGOTS!!!"
GO AWAY
This thing is the worst waste of LTR points I have ever purchased. Do not buy it.
Oh, an alien! I've married in aliens before though and she's old. Plus Gilderoy's happily married and gay.
*ZAP*
Andrew: "I have failed to kill myself. Will try again tomorrow."
Gilderoy: "Who's my little snooby-wooby?"
Andrew: "I am in pink hell."
I want to turn Andrew into something that will stunt his age. We haven't had much luck getting occult potions from the alchemy store. Also, Enya here (yes, that's her name) got suddenly sick on the job.
"Oh, I can feel the orrinocho flowing..."
Andrew is a doctor, so he was immediately on the case.
*machine whirring*
Andrew: "Breasts are fake, but clear of lumps..."
Enya: "Hey!"
The sink and the dishwasher are broken. Frickin hell, guys, this isn't a frat house!
"I see no broken things."
"Fuck you, pay me please."
So all the gnomes joined together to form a seance to spawn Satan.
Hitler: "ICT BE NEIN GERMAN"
Voldemort: "...should have had Wormtail do this for me..."
Kim Kardashian: "Wait, this isn't Rodeo Drive."
WELL
It's a house!
I made the house not too sore on the eyes since we'll be here for a while. You may see an empty room there, that this for Gen 2, a player to be named later.
I turned Andrew into a wizard, then realized that it doesn't stop aging, so I'm going to hold out for another occult potion.
Gilderoy's still trying to get his blog to five stars,which is way harder that I realized.
Noodle: "Dog are sitting on couch waiting for fairy to feed him."
Noodle was not an appropriate name for you.
Every time they're off, I catch them Woohooing.
Andrew: "He makes me."
Gilderoy: "Shut up, you love it."
O__o
Enya, I swear to God, if you don't give me a good potion, I will be Silver Inching my shoe up your ass!
KIM KARDASHIAN
FOR SHAME
First, spying on the Snobbishes Woohooing, now you're being a peeping tom!
"Everyone's already seen my fat ass."
HITLER
"ICT BE NEIN DAS SEXYTIMEZ"
While waiting for an acceptable potion to be available at the store, I try to get the Young Again potion from the chemistry lab set.
Unlucky sims are...
...unlucky.
FINALLY
Andrew: "I fee strange."
Enya: "Is he turning into a Yeti?"
"I have a craving for donuts. Blood-filled donuts."
I have the Hybrid mod installed by Nrass. I know hybrids were allow in the Sims 2, but I'm not playing for points.
Gilderoy: "One of us might be pregnant now."
Andrew: "But...but..."
Where'd Andrew go?
"Said something about going to stand in the yard until dawn."
Oh, you're there.
"Oh, God. I have morning sickness. This can't be happening."
"Mother Mary and Baby Jesus, forgive me for my sins."
Shut up, Gilderoy's supposed to be the dramatic one.
*snort*
*3 days later*
"AHHHHHHH I HAVE A BABY RIPPING THROUGH MY ORGANS! AND MY HAND'S GONE THROUGH MY STOMACH"
"AHHHHHHH I HAVE A BABY RIPPING THROUGH MY ORGANS! AND MY HAND'S GONE THROUGH MY STOMACH"
Whiner.
Say hello to baby Ralof. He's Genius and Heavy Sleeper.
"Hey, bb. *wink*"
...creepy.
Andrew: "I gave you a baby. Can I go kill myself now?"
"Well, hello young mare."
"Together, you and me shall beautify the world."
Cheesy.
"Hello little kiddie, I'm gonna watch you sleep."
Ralof: "...goo? *cringe*"
Stupid pedophillistic dolls.
"Digging in the ground to bury that new little nuissance..."
What was that?
"I said, burying in the ground to bury...a bone, yeah! A bone."
=__=
Noodle tends to be less menacing.
"Fairy play with dog! Dog likes fairy!"
Whew, this chapter's getting lengthy, so we'll say goodbye.
Jennifer Lopez: "Kim Kardashian don't have anything on dis booty!"
Uh, bye.
